I should have went with Hertz

…So there’s this guy that Dorman and I grew up with Named Bill. Bill was once the core of our click but has since turned into a turd. Him and his newest wife, whom I refer to as the scab, have this routine that they apparently go through often: They both go out on the dance floor together, then Bill finds his position in front of the D.J.’s booth. After a few beers, the scab will start grinding out on the dance floor with every male she can find. The more beers she has in her, the more wild and crazy she gets, all while her husband stands in his position watching the show. Eventually, a chemical reaction between testosterone and beer makes Bill become jealous. His chest pumps up like a balloon, his arms fold slightly back and he pushes his way around the dance floor (all 6’3”, 145 pounds of him) peeling off all the meat that his sluttish scab has attracted to herself. This is usually followed by the 2 of them bitching at one another as they head out the door.

So as we all sit here at a table in the bar, low and behold, the scab and her smashing beanpole husband walk in. After a few minutes, I decide to go say hello to my once close friend. A brief assessment tells me he has had way too much to drink already. Dean then joins our little reunion for a while. All seems good so Dorman and I head back to the table to enjoy the show. It doesn’t take long until the orthodontically impaired couple starts doing their thing. Since I have been in asshole mode most of the week, an evil idea came to mind. I said to our crew “I’m to start some trouble. I’ll be right back”. On my way to the little boys room, I make a quick stop at the scab to take her for a test drive. It was kind of like renting a car. It’s not yours and you have to take it back so you may as well go out and beat it a little to see what it will do.

After making my deposit in the urinal, I return to my chair. This process continues a few more times. Every time I go out to take the scab for a ride, I report every action she does back to Bill. I assume he was watching the entire show, but that’s not really my point if you know what I mean. So then I go up there to say hello again. I then pick up the scab and place her on my shoulders. I then dance around with her on me for a minute of two, as she rubs my head. Once I place her back down on the floor, and without missing a beat, she grabs my head and says to me “you should have turned your head around”. I of course report this exact phrase to Bill, after reclaiming my hat from him. He seems to find humor in it, but I can tell the chemical reaction is starting to begin.

A few minutes later I decide to take her around the block once more, so with beer in hand, I cruise on up to the scab, looking to burn some rubber. I find her there pulling her shirt up to expose her pierced belly button and tattooed belly. This is when I thought to myself, let’s put the pedal to the metal. I lean over to her ear and ask the now famous question, “is that all your going to show me?” She thinks for a second or two, then pulls her shirt and bra up, showing off her left boob to me. Without skipping a beat, I turn to Bill and said “your wife just showed me her tits”.

That’s all it took. He pulled her into the back area and they had a talk. After she returned I tried to bump and grind her some more but she was not willing and tried to ignore me. Walking away I said aloud, “ah, did some body get their pee-pee smacked?”
I am the greatest asshole!